How My Daughter Made Me Cry Last Night for 20 Minutes

My daughter is visiting, and as I went to tuck her in last night, she said, "I just sent you this, but watch it with me." The second she clicked it on, I knew what it was and what was coming. She watched me watch it, watched me tear up. It was not, I told her, only because of its sweetness and sadness, its universality, but about history. She did and did not know what I meant. What example, from the innumerable examples, to present my child at 10:30 at night? Had she read or seen Sophie's Choice? She said she had not. I told her, we'll watch it while she is here.

I got in bed, the "Baby Mine" song in my head. I started to sink, to think. A hole opened up, the deepest hole there is and can be, a black tunnel in space and time. There is a sound inside. It is the synthesized sound of billions of mothers and children ripped apart. There is no screaming, or weeping, or words, or rather there are all these things but it's now just one sound, a constant chord that never ceases. I tapped into this hole, I was inside it, and I wept. Then the hole closed over, the sound stopped, the pain was not just healed over but as though it was never there. That it did not exist.

I thought of one of those movies where the character is looking for the secret passage, she tap-taps on the wall, nothing; it's absolutely smooth, and then she taps it in just the right way, and the wall gives, there is the passage, but it will only open when you know how and are ready for it.

I tapped again. Again, it opened. I hovered above this mass of pain and listened and said, I will hold on for you. You were not allowed to, but I will, for you.

Comments

[Brad Stanton]

This is a fantastic post. How old is your daughter? Thanks for your great post.

[Nancy Rommelmann]

Thank you. She is 22.

[Darlene Canno]

You brought tears to my eyes. I could not hold you or dry your tears. I wanted to god you like I did when my daughters cried. I so them hurt, husband killed & all I could do was cry with them. It wasn't a boo-boo you could kiss & make it better. God had to intervene & heal the pain. He did it in his own way & time. So I will be there if I need to be. God will find a way. Isn't that what mama's are for? We are GOD'S CHILDREN. Only to be loved & cared for by us.<3<3<3<3 You with my God loving heart.