In thirteen years, my husband and I have had maybe four fights. Three involved copious amounts of alcohol; one involved a book, Don DeLillo's "White Noise."
The most recent was a week ago. It involved yelling, at a party, and later, at home. It made me wake up before dawn and call a cab to take me to my truck, which we'd left at the party. I should have turned west to get home, but instead turned east because the sky was pink, and because driving felt good. I kept going. I didn't know the road. I thought about a Sam Shepard book I reviewed, and better appreciated how driving gets you out of your head, and also, keeps you away from a person or situation where you run the risk of vomiting up a bunch of half-digested emotions that will compound what's come before and which you will certainly regret.
I drove for about 45 minutes. I wondered what, if anything, I would say to Din about the night before. I played out scenarios. I set them up like pylons. Each one, I knew, I could trip over. I knew that to concentrate on them was to give them meaning. I did not want to do this; it was inviting misery. So I jumped over them, and turned the car around.
I was still jumping in my skin. I would need to distract myself to get through the day. I thought, I'll cook. I got back to Portland and went to QFC, where I have just started to shop and which I think of as the post-houseful-of-kids supermarket, a place where one does not buy 8-pound chubs of meat because there are no longer children at home to feed, which the market seems to know, and packages things accordingly, and also, offers dainties you have never before noticed, or knew existed. For instance, eggroll wrappers.
I looked at the wrappers. I wondered if they, if the store, if the thought of homemade eggrolls even occurring, were part of a purview I had yet to encounter, an unhappy-land where wives make delicacies instead of dinner. Were there others like me wandering the aisles at eight on a Sunday morning, cerebrating over almond paste and annatto and maybe a can of snails?
I bought the wrappers, and ingredients with which to fill them. Also, the makings for beef stew, egg salad, homemade noodles. I brought it all home. I plugged my iPhone into the dock and listened to RadioLab as I made egg salad, and stew, and eggrolls...
Din woke up. He looked at the action in the kitchen. "Wow, baby," he said.
I handed him a plate of hot eggrolls. He ate four.
"These," he said, "are the best eggrolls I've ever had."
They were. I kept cooking because I was afraid I would start talking. I listened to episodes about con artists, and Henrietta Lacks, and Tazmanian Devil facial tumors. I cleaned the kitchen. I contemplated going to the store for more ingredients. Instead, I went downstairs. I told Din, I was afraid, and that I was sorry. He knew what to do and say to make me stop trembling. Then we watched some football.
I don't want to fight again. The eggrolls, on the other hand, we've had three times this week.
After-the-Fight Eggrolls
6 eggroll wrappers
1 carrot, cut into matchsticks
3 scallions, cut on the diagonal
1 1/2 cups bean sprouts
Grated fresh ginger (I keep a knob in the freezer and microplane it, skin and all)
4 ounces Chinese barbecue pork (prepackaged), cut into matchsticks
2 cups vegetable oil
Mix vegetables and pork. Lay down eggroll wrappers. Fill and wrap according to instructions on back of package.
Heat oil in cast iron pan; it's hot enough when a drop of water flicked in, sizzles. Fry eggrolls until brown on one side, turn, repeat with other side